Mindset Reset

I did a LOT of thinking yesterday. A LOT. About who I am, what I'm doing, what I want, what kind of relationship I want, how I handle relationships, and who I want to have a relationship with.

I thought I had spent the last six years recovering from my separation and divorce by finding out who I am, but I've learned that what I've done is just packed that relationship person away until it was time to bring him out again. I jumped into this thing with both feet. When it started, I thought we were on the same page. After a couple weeks it was evident we were moving TOO fast, and she wanted to slow it down. That was fine with me, but I didn't really know how to do that. I had already fallen pretty damn hard for her, so it was difficult to apply my brakes and slow it down. How do you do that when you have such strong feelings for someone?

I didn't see what my sad attempts at slowing down were doing to her. In my blindness/hubris/selfishness, I thought her issues were only in dealing with her ex-boyfriend. I thought her leftover feelings combined with him stringing her along were causing her stress. I didn't see that, although I was adamant about not pressuring her into making any decisions, my constant BEING THERE through texting and social media was doing what I didn't want to do. I was pressuring her.

Earlier this week was her breaking point, I think, and it took that for me to fully see that, yep, my gung-ho attitude about this was as much of a factor as his lackadaisical attitude. Hence my deep introspection yesterday.

My life is not defined by my relationships. My relationships should ENHANCE my life. My relationship with my kids, my parents and sister, the rest of my family, my friends, and those I fall in love with...these relationships cannot control who I am, what I do, or how I think. They are here to build me up and fill me with love, but I'll never be completely full if I don't love myself. Yeah, that sounds way to New Agey for me, but it's true.

I let my kids get under my skin too much without stepping back and really appreciating them for who they are and how they're growing up. #1 is so fucking smart. I was a very above-average student, but I didn't apply myself, so I skated through everything. #1 soaks up knowledge wherever he can. He DOES things. He's got more going on as a 6th grader than I did in middle school and high school combined. He plays the saxophone because I did, and with less than a year under his belt, he's better than I was at his age (and I was pretty darn good). He's got a really good group of friends, and he loves being a Boy Scout. I fucking admire him so much. But he's also incredibly emotional, and I think that's what I see of me in him the most. He's quick to anger, especially at his younger brother (which, to be honest, is justified a lot of the time). Out of the three of them, he's the only who will ever remember his mom and me married. He had to grow up very fast when she left the four of us, and it just makes me sad.

#2 is so much a girl. She likes make-up (although I don't let her wear any yet), dresses, Barbies, babies...yeah, very much a girly girl. And that's not something I pushed, but she chose it, and I'm okay with it. I tried to get her into nerd stuff via comics and TV and movies, but she's not into it and that's fine...she's blazing her own path. She tried gymnastics and cheerleading for a few years, but that started to bore her. She's always loved music (there's my girl!) and singing, and after she showed me a song she wrote (holy shit, it was amazing for 9-year-old), her mom and I decided it was time to talk about music lessons. But we left it up to her. She was currently in Girl Scouts, and she ended up choosing singing and piano lessons over that. I cannot wait to she her grow as a musician. She has so much talent and heart that I just know she's going to do incredible things.

#3 probably has the most of me in him. He's energetic, but he also loves to spend tons of time on the computer (closely monitored by me, don't worry). He's not nerdy like me (that's all #1), but he's also crazy smart...but he doesn't do anything with it. He does his work, does it well, but beyond that he doesn't enjoy learning like his older brother does. He also changes gears pretty quickly. He did "ninja" class for almost a year before getting bored. He plays basketball, but he really has no idea what he's doing. He's in Cub Scouts, but I think he goes just to see friends and go camping every now and then. His emotions are always just under the surface too, but it's more about frustration and sadness as opposed to #1's anger. He tears up easily if he gets yelled at (which I tend to do more often than I should. That said, he is also the sweetest boy. He wakes up every morning with a smile. He's quick with hugs and kisses on the cheek. He is probably biggest headache causer out of the three, but sometimes he's the easiest to forgive.

Why do I let these wonderful kids get under my skin so much? Why do I get exasperated with them? They make my life better just by being here. When they're with their mother every other weekend, my house is quiet and still and lonely. I really don't know what to do with myself when they're gone. Then along comes *****.

***** is also a single mother with kids Bobby's age. Somehow, miraculously, when we started going out we discovered our kid-free weekends synced up. How perfect was that? The last two weekends we didn't see each other, though, and I kind of spiraled into a "what am I going to do with myself?" mode. There was smoking, and there was drinking. Looking back, I can see that my relationships with my kids and with ***** were dictating my attitude and feelings. They weren't there, so I couldn't be happy? Bullshit. That's just bullshit, and I'm just now realizing that. I cherish every second (despite headaches and tantrums and sibling spats) with these people I love, but just because they're not around doesn't mean I still can't be happy. I have friends. I have interests. I have hobbies. I have a house that has been neglected for far too long. I have OTHER THINGS.

My life is not defined by my relationships. ***** and I have been talking constantly since the beginning of October. For better or worse, that's when the relationship really started. But in that time, we've seen each other a total of five times. Only. Five. Times. Five times does not a boyfriend/girlfriend make. SHE knows that...it's just taken me this long to figure it out.

I'm still in love with her. I won't say that won't ever change, because things happen and it's very early in this messed up little relationship we have. But being in love with someone shouldn't make you or them sad. I honestly can't say with any certainty that we'll make it. I'd like to think we will, but as with all relationships, if it does end I know I'll be taking good things away from our time together, things about me that I've realized and can put to use (which I'm already starting to do) in my life and, hopefully, in future relationships. But right now I'm going to do whatever I can to make this work, and right now that means giving her space. I think I spoke on that in yesterday's post. I was pretty successful yesterday I think, and I hope it wasn't the cigarettes helping with that, because I crumpled up the remainder of my pack and threw them in a dumpster this morning (I did save ONE to have before starting work...hopefully my last one ever) so I can't rely on their calming effects anymore. They were just a crutch anyways. As far as communication with her goes, I'm mostly following her lead. I'll text in the morning with a "Have a good day!" and possibly send out a Snapchat if we're still trying to keep our streak going, but daytime contact will be instigated by her only (my decision). I'll text in the evening to see how her day was, and if she wants to continue texting or talking once the kids are in bed, then that's her call. If she doesn't text or Snapchat during the day, then that's no problem. She's got stuff to do, I've got stuff to do...and we've only been out five times. Her frequency of contact does not determine my happiness or who I am.

This was a pretty big revelation for me, so I guess this post ended up being a lot longer than I originally intended. If you read the whole thing, I appreciate it. If you're coming here for pop culture reviews, I apologize for the abrupt change in posting topics, all this is very therapeutic for me, and obviously it's helping. I wonder who IS reading this, though? Do I know you? If not, how did you stumble upon this? I know ***** used to read it, at least when I was going through my divorce and posting links on my Facebook page. She hasn't mentioned anything about it, so probably not?

Time to work. Thank you all for reading. Here's my favorite Paramore song, as a treat (lyrics copied below the video with the relevant ones bolded).

When I was younger

I saw my daddy cry

And curse at the wind

He broke his own heart

And I watched

As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore

That she would never let herself forget

And that was the day that I promised

I'd never sing of love

If it does not exist, but darlin'

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere

Deep in my soul

That love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways

To make it alone

But keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this

Keeping a comfortable, distance

And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I'm content

With loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But, you are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality

But I can't let go of what's in front of me here

I know your leaving in the morning, when you wake up

Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream, oh

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

You are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing

Oh, and I'm on my way to believing.

What You Should Have Heard #63

My Mix CDs

I’ve got a lot of music but limited space to hold it in, especially in my car. So I’ve gone the old tried-and-true way of making mix CDs to have access to as many bands as possible while driving. I’m going slightly old-school since I’m a bit backwards and have no iPod.

Most of the songs will be more upbeat, with probably only the occasional ballad or slower song included. I like to sing in the car, and the more upbeat songs are more fun to sing.

I’ll be going in alpha-numeric order with these, so if you’re wanting to argue with me about what Weezer songs should be included, you’re going to be waiting for a while.

My only limitations are that I use 80 min. discs, and I’m only going to use one disc per band/artist. I will make exceptions for only my most favorite bands with huge playlists (Foo Fighters and Self, off the top of my head), but I’d really like to boil everything down to just one disc.

Here’s the list guide:

Track # - Song Name - Album Name [Artist if album is by a different artist]

Paramore Mix CD

1. All We Know – All We Know is Falling
2. Pressure – All We Know is Falling
3. Emergency – All We Know is Falling
4. Here We Go Again – All We Know is Falling
5. Whoa – All We Know is Falling
6. Careful – Brand New Eyes
7. Ignorance – Brand New Eyes
8. Brick by Boring Brick – Brand New Eyes
9. The Only Exception – Brand New Eyes
10. Where the Lines Overlap – Brand New Eyes
11. For a Pessimist I’m Pretty Optimistic – Riot
12. That’s What You Get – Riot
13. Hallelujah – Riot
14. Misery Business – Riot
15. When It Rains – Riot
16. Let the Flames Begin – Riot
17. Miracle – Riot
18. Crushcrushcrush – Riot
19. Fences – Riot
20. Born for This – Riot
21. Decoy (Hot Topic Bonus Track) – Riot
22. Stuck on You – The Summer Tic EP

A few notes on Paramore:

• First cut of this disc clocked in just less than 87 minutes with 24 songs. I knew I liked ‘em, just didn’t realize it was that much. I got rid of a couple of tracks from Brand New Eyes because it was the disc I was least familiar with (read: don’t know the songs well enough to sing along with).
• A good friend took me to see these guys (and gal) in 2010, and they put on a great show. I probably wouldn’t see them again because I felt HORRIBLY out of place, but it was still fun.
• This mix CD is somewhat of an oddity (for some reason I originally wanted to type odyssey) because it’s a full disc by a female-fronted group. Only The Cardigans and Fiona Apple came before them, and my “chicks” mix CD is full of groups that didn’t quite make it, like Garbage, Gwen Stefani/No Doubt, Evanescence, etc.
• I love their cover of Failure’s “Stuck on You.” It’s one of my favorite Ken Andrews songs.

Paramore Official Website

Paramore Wikipedia entry

Paramore AllMusic entry

Paramore Twitter feed

Paramore Facebook page

Paramore MySpace page

Paramore YouTube channel

What You Should Have Heard #24

Paramore Live at Municipal Auditorium, Nashville, Aug. 21, 2010

For the life of me I cannot remember the last concert I saw. I’m almost positive it was a Dancin’ in the District show (for those not from the Nashville area, it started as a free weekly summer concert series held at Riverfront Park before being moved to the parking lot of LP Field and charging for entrance. It no longer exists), possibly with Better Than Ezra and Cowboy Mouth. The last time I saw a concert INSIDE was maybe in 2001 or 2002. I went with a friend to see Incubus at Municipal Auditorium in Nashville.

There have been MANY concerts since that I’ve wanted to see, but alas, I’m poor. I’m also crazy busy working and taking care of three kids ages 2, 4 and 6. But sometimes I get lucky. Previously mentioned friend offered to pay my way to a .fun/Motion City Soundtrack show earlier in the summer, but my schedule didn’t work out. I hated missing MCS, but I’ve learned to live with such things.

Then, a couple of weekends ago, Previously Mentioned Friend (let’s call her PMF for short) texted me with an opportunity. A friend had to cancel on her and left her stranded with an extra ticket to see Paramore. I like the plucky little group from Franklin, TN, their first CD more than their second, but it’s not a show I would have paid to see. Luckily I didn’t have to.

When we got to the show, it was pouring. We had to walk around the block to the back of the building where we were spared from the rain by an overhang. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was a bit out of my element. I was probably twice as old as most of the attendees, and I wasn’t rocking the skinny jeans. Can I say how much I hate that fad? Seriously, they’re ugly, and they can’t be comfortable. I can understand sacrificing comfort for fashion, but they don’t look good. As far as the age thing, the only time I felt uncomfortable was while waiting outside in the rain. And it’s not ‘cause I was at a concert with a bunch of young whippersnappers. I’m okay with my varied musical palate. Nah, it was the risk of being made out as THAT guy with all wet t-shirts around. I got a crick in my neck for admiring the Nashville skyline (do I have to pay Bob Dylan for that?) for half an hour. Chris Hanson probably could have set up a van outside of Municipal Auditorium and got an episode of “To Catch a Predator” for his troubles.

Inside was better. All tickets were general admission, so we got to choose, more or less, where we sat. Floor wasn’t an option for us, and we were able to grab a couple of good spots a bit stage right in the lowest level of seats. Not bad at all.

To keep everybody occupied until the first band, there was a screen showing videos, trivia on the bands on the tour, and a number you could send texts to which would show up on the screen. This provided a LOT of entertainment for the kids, and not a little for PMF and me. While most of the texts were stupid and juvenile complete with countless misuses of your and you’re, some were clever. Most, though, were texted to illicit high-school screams.

The show was supposed to start at 6:30, and give or take a few minutes, I’m surprised to say that it did indeed start on time.

First up was a band I’ve never heard of, Kadawatha. They started off strong and grabbed my attention from the get-go. That might not have been the best thing, though, because as I paid more attention to the band, the more ridiculous they seemed. Now, the music was great and I plan on checking out their Myspace page some time this week (mainly because I couldn’t understand a damn thing he was singing because the vocal levels were too low). It was the band members themselves that earned my derision.

First off were the matching outfits. Skinny jeans all around. All except the lead singer work dark shirts with separate yet similar designs. I liken them to visual descriptions used on variable shower heads. Each member had a different color on the shirt that matched their shoes. The lead singer had the same type of shoes but no matching shirt.

Then there was the choreography. Yeah, you don’t need that with a rock band. Raised arms with fingers pointing to the sky, backward collapses after playing the final chord, the lead singer on his knees, jump kicks and chord windmills. Theatrics aren’t need when you actually sound good. And I swear to God one of the kids thought he was in a metal band with all of the head banging he was doing. Laughable.

Next up was New Found Glory. I was vaguely familiar with the group and able to sing along with the closer “My Friends Over You.” They played a short but effective set. All up tempo and able to keep any crowd-hyping momentum that Kadawatha was able to start. Their cover of Sixpence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me” was also pretty good. They engaged the crowd and got everybody jumping and pumping their fists. Granted, I was still sitting, but I was enjoying myself. The lead singer wore skinny jeans, though.

Tegan and Sara should not have been third on the bill. They killed the momentum. We can debate if they should have been included at all (I was told they were doing all they could to hit towns that were screwed over by this year’s Lilith Fair cancellations), but they would have been better scheduled as the opener, if for no other reason than their music killed the momentum. Their stage banter sucked, and personally, I don’t like their voices. And they wore skinny jeans.

Who knows, maybe having Tegan and Sara go on before the headliners was the plan. But I don’t think having such a lesser band really propped up Paramore. These kids put on a hell of a show.

So what did I like about these guys? The energy, for one. They came on hard, the acted like they were having fun and not working, and they ALL kept the crowd on their feet. These kids looked like rock stars, played like rock stars, but they played like they were there for the audience, not the other way around. Sure, they’re from Franklin and this was a hometown show, so Hayley’s stage banter may have been a bit different, but I’m guessing that they’re like this with every show they play.

The music and the vocals were CD-quality good. I don’t like going to a show that sounds exactly like the CD; I’ve already listened to that, give me something different. But it was CD quality. The kids were tight as musicians, the vocals were crisp and clear.

Hayley is a wonderful front woman. They kept the stage free of clutter and unnecessary decorations, and she (everyone, really) put that space to good use; she didn’t stay static in front of a microphone stand. She got her workout going from one side to the next, singing to every inch of the auditorium that had a body on it.

The gang ended the show wonderfully with their biggest (to me, at least) single, the one that made me stand up and take notice of them in the first place, “Misery Business.” Hayley pulled a couple of girls on stage to sing at the end, and those girls took advantage of the situation, jumping around, singing with each member, and just having a good time. There was confetti shot out over the crowd, some anonymous little kid who started dancing on stage, and some guy who may or may not have been the lead singer of New Found Glory doing flips and shit on stage. It was just plain old fun.

And had Hayley not been wearing a skirt, I’m sure all five rather than just the four boys would have been in skinny jeans.

All in all, it was a great night, and something I really needed. And since it’ll probably be the last live show I see in a LONG time, it was a great one to have be the “last” show. For a while, at least.

Thanks to PMF for taking some video. I wish my phone had a better camera. The few pics I took were shit.

Exhausted Video Dump

I've been a fan of Paramore since Riot! dropped in 2007, and I've just started appreciating Kings of Leon. It doesn't hurt that I can consider both bands "local" since they're both from Tennessee (Paramore got together in Franklin, and I'm pretty sure KoL are from Knoxville). I'm also a sucker for covers.



I didn't watch this year's Peoples Choice Awards, but I did vote...although I can't remember if I voted for Steve Carell, though. Here's his acceptance speach.



Right now, Kick Ass is way ahead of Iron Man 2 as "superhero movie I most want to see." Here's the latest trailer.

Justin Timberlake and Andy Samburg got me to enjoy this song. Glee made me thoroughly sick of the song. Now, thanks to the Andy Griffith theme song, I can enjoy this song. Here's Single Ladies (In Mayberry).



Ah, what the hell. Here's the Timberlake/Beyonce skit from SNL.



If I'm not mistaken (and c'mon, how often does THAT happen?), Better Off Ted was the absolute best new sitcom to premiere last season, and it's still one of my favorite shows this year. ABC is really stepping up with their sitcoms. Anyways, here are some outtakes from one of the episodes. WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!!! There is INCREDIBLY vulgar language in this clip. Words I don't even say. So proceed with caution and with no kids around.



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Listening to: Biffy Clyro - Instructio4
via FoxyTunes