Friday, April 22, 2011

What You Should Have Known About Me

For those of you who noticed a lack of activity on the blog and an upward swing in depressing song lyrics on Facebook and didn’t know what was going on, here’s the news: I’m divorced. Two Januarys ago, just about a month shy of celebrating 14 years together, my wife left me.

The whys and wherefores aren’t important.

For pretty much all of 2010, I was angry. Angry at her, angry at the situation I was in. I was now a single father of three kids, and I was spending all of my time making sure that they were taken care of. With that at the forefront of my mind, I never gave myself any time to process exactly what was happening.

But one good thing did come from this: I realized that I was a good father. For the previous five years, sure, I was there, but I always considered Angie to be the better parent. She made the decisions, the appointments, whatever needed to be done. But then I had ALL of the responsibility thrust on me, and you know what? It didn’t break me. I won’t say it was easy, because that would be the farthest thing from the truth. But yeah, I found out that I could do this, and that I WAS a good father.

And while I didn’t give myself any time to process what was happening in the present, I did take a look back at the past, and I agreed with Angie. The divorce was a long time coming and for the best.

Once the divorce became final and things started settling down, I finally had the time to process what had happened, and it hit me pretty hard. Hell, it’s STILL hitting me pretty hard.

A relationship that had lasted almost half of my life had ended. I was a single father, the “primary custodial parent” of two awesome boys and the most precious girl. I would eventually have to date again, and I wasn’t very (at all?) good at it the last time…when I was a senior in high school.

I also realized that this wasn’t a one-sided deal. It took two people to get us to this point, and I realized that the anger I felt that first year wasn’t 100% fair. I was just as much to blame for our situation as she was, and finally coming to terms with that showed me how much of a selfish and close-minded person I had become, and how quickly it happened. It was pretty tough to acknowledge that about myself.

The hardest hit I took, though, was that Angie had moved on. I don’t blame her. I don’t blame the new guy. I’m glad she’s happy again. It’s just a hard thing to watch, and I’m slowly (SSSLLLLOOOOWWWWWLLLLLYYYYY) coming to terms with it.

So yeah, I’ve posted a few sad and sappy music videos up on Facebook. I’ve maybe made some less-than-upbeat status updates and comments. But it’s a process that I’m going through, and I’m (hopefully) getting a little better each day. I’ve got some great friends around me, both physically and Facebookally, who have been there to listen to my rants and ravings and to help me see things I might not have noticed or accepted before because of the tunnel vision I sometimes get.

And fret not! Hopefully it’ll happen sooner rather than later, but I’ll get back to posting about my cooking experiences, my musical preferences and stupid videos that make me laugh. Until then, enjoy all the Foo Fighters videos I’m putting up on Facebook. Have I mentioned that I’m going to see them next month? I’m just a little bit excited. :)

I also want to state that while I'm the PCP for these great kids, Angie has not taken a back seat in regards to parenting. She has also had a rough go of it, and she's putting her life back together. She's with our kiddos whenever she can be, and I know she wishes she could have more time with them than she's capable of giving them right now. Like me, she's doing the best she can, and we're doing our best to remain friendly with each other. It's difficult at times, but I hope when the dust settles we can be the kind of people who can be in the same room with each other and at least be civil if not friendly. We were a big part, at times the most important part, of each others' lives for so long, I'd hate for this to end with us not being able to talk with each other.

No comments: